Crossroads

Posted 5:43 PM by Mezhal Ulao in Labels:

I am feeling stressed today. I woke up in a rather good mood but something in the back of my head is pushing itself to the surface. Like something is up in the air and I feel the need to fight. It's a monday and I know a lot fo people are stressed on mondays but I'm the type that gets to turn things around pretty easily. I have been listening to Tiesto and which usually perks me up, unfortunately all I feel is tension throughout my entire being. It's like something inside of me is struggling to come out. An internal conflict and the pain is just a bit too much to carry. Are these feelings even mine?

I write these things here because in these pages I find a place to escape. This is my sanctuary. I guess that is why I called it empty streets because in the stillness of the night when the streets are deserted I get the chance to think and reflect on things that one wouldn't normally think about. Now that I am feeling this thing I find myself here in the pages that provide that same feeling of peace. I want to shake it off like a lot people I know are capable of doing, and it is something that I truly envy, I am incapable of doing so for the risk is me becoming apathetic to those around me. I guess feeling emotion is much better than feeling nothing at all.

Sitting here in a coffee shop writing the thoughts that come to my head, this is my thinking process, how I sort things out. Now I asked myself why am I feeling bad, was there a trigger somewhere along the way to work that caused me to feel this unease? Tracing the moments from the time I got out of bed to the moments coming to work. The only thing I can see is the people along the way. Did their emotions brush off on me? Did they do something that caused me pain or alarm. I don't think that would be the case as this would happen daily if I were to factor that in. Emails? I checked them today as well, from my boss, from my friends, my family, and many more. Maybe, but not likely to make me feel this way since this feeling started as I left my house. This leaves one thing. My memories. Something inside of me triggered a memory of pain and it may have just flashed before me in a split second but it would be enough to hit me hard. It may sound funny but memories for me have that effect.

I have a lot of painful memories and I know that a lot of people experiencce the same things. One thing that I have learned from the past 27 years of my life is that memories don't just pop up for no reason. It pops up because it wants to be heard and remembered. It wants to tell me that something is likely to repeat itself. And if its a bad feeling associated with a memory then am sure that this one popped its ugly head to tell me that a bad situation is likely to repeat itself unless I face it and figure out what to do in order for me to avoid it. Especially if it is this persistent to be heard let alone felt. Honestly I feel like crying, but that won't resolve my issue. I feel like I need a shoulder to lean on. Now I am starting to realize that this was not just today. My insides have been churning and all it is asking for is to be saved. I feel alone right now, alone because the people like me are nowhere to be found. Be brave is all I keep on saying to myself, that everything is going to be alright. I keep on saying this to myself even if it feels like its all just a lie.

Caged, that is what it feels like. I feel like there is something I have to do. I can hear something inside of me telling me that there is a path to follow that I must seek. That if I dont find it I will be lost completely. In this I am alone. I wanted a normal life, however even that feels like a lie. A voice inside speaks with an emotion of anger as if trying to tell me that I will never have a normal life. That I have learned to accept, partly at least. What am I afraid of? This is going to be the first time I will say it out loud, a deep secret that I have kept for so long. I am afraid of getting hurt by the people that I care and love so dearly. I am so frightened by the thought that they will eventually betray me and leave me when they find out the truth. When they see the true me. Where they see the kind of double life I have been leading. Did I have a choice back then? I didn't. But this time around I did. I chose to continue regardless. I couldnt let go not anymore after all the years that I have been doing it because its the only thing I know how to do. I guess the reason why am crying out of help is because I need someone to pull me out. To make me stop. To stop me from digging a pit that is becoming deeper by as the months go by. What is so annoying is that a part of me is happy doing it and yet another is crying out for me to stop.

Angelus and Damien is what I started calling these voices that are constantly speaking inside of me. They have protected me and enslaved me all at the same time. When and where they come from I dont really know. But one thing for sure is that they are a part of me. Crazy talk. Maybe it is, I could be simply loosing my mind for all I know. Alternates from within. They surface to empower me at times of need. They help me through situations that a lot of people associate with luck and miracles. One helps me see the beautiful things around me, the other shows me the evil that lurks within the hearts of men. One seeks to create while the other seeks to destroy. And me, all I want is to be loved and to learn to just let things be, to let it go. One follows fate and the other creates a destiny.

In the end of all these things I still dont know what is going on, nor what is going to happen. It's so easy for me to show the path of others and present to them the choices and consequences of the choices that they are about to make, but I am still here standing at the crossroads. Maybe that is where I am meant to stay. Forever being a lamp post for those seeking the way while I remain. Maybe that is why I was called a watcher by those that have used my gifts for their own benefit. I dont regret anything though, that in itself is at least good. Right now though I still feel the same and something is definitely up in the air. What is about to occur is anyone's guess. All I have to do is simply watch and see what spectacle will occur. Maybe that is what I am good for. Maybe that is why I write, cause someone has to record the events. Maybe...


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