Posted 3:36 PM by Mezhal Ulao in Labels:

Its been a day since Easter, and finding myself on vacation for this entire week has enabled me to actually sit down and reflect back on a lot of things. Mostly the things that bothered me the past couple of months from work to relationships. It's like a never ending battle for me everyday and that is what it felt like for the entire year last year. This Easter though I have realized that it's time for me to drop my swords and let my guard down.

At first it was uncomfortable to look at myself and see that the reason for all the things that have happened to me was because of how and what i was thinking about. How I was the real reason that both good and bad things happen to me. I had to learn to accept that ultimately if there was a problem that I couldnt solve that it wasnt some external factor that was influencing the outcome but it was me. I was the problem that needed to be resolved. How that is going to be done, in time I guess I will. Right now I had learned to just take a deep breath and really breath for the first time in a long time.

Forgiving myself was even harder than I thought. In the past I have learned to simply brush off events and situations that caused pain for me, to simply forget them and the people that were involved. Ultimately I realized that I didnt forget, that all I did was bury them deep inside the graveyard of my mind and now that graveyard is full. All it'll take now is a simple storm and all of these skeletons will be revealed. Anticipation of that happening scared the heck out of me. In this moment I guess as a psychologist and i have to admit, its hard for doctors and its hard for me too, to simply swallow my own medicine. Now slowly and surely I start to do the things that I advise people to do to let all the crap out of our system. And the first step is awareness and acceptance. Acceptance comes in realizing that it is part of who I am and that there is nothing wrong about it as long as it doesnt leave me beaten down. Pain is not something we can keep to ourselves, its like a volcano that is being brought to life, and with enough pressure you pop. Like a dam I had to let the waters out and it is through these pages that I let that out.

Talking isnt really my sort of thing, especially when it comes to emotional stuff. Been never good at expressing them. It is only through writing that my hands and mind start to release and show my true feelings. It is here that my tears fall and here that my pain and anguish is expressed. But if you look at my face all you'll see is a smile. I dont understand it either, I guess the way that I was brought up. The institutions that have ensured that we carry ourselves to be as presentable at all times with the general public have screwed the nuts and bolts of things inside of me. Fortunately for me, my expression for writing is intact. This is my catharsis, this is where everything is let out. I can blab all day about things and write allowing a free flow of consciousness to take control. Nonsensical maybe for a lot of people but If you look between the lines maybe you'll see a different world through my eyes. Heck maybe you'll see the real me.

In the end all things have to be said in peace. I guess here I am trying to make amends with myself and my past sins. Maybe am looking for a way to escape, even I dont know. All I know as I start typing the words here into these pages, pieces of my soul are left exposed for the world to see. Does is scare me, sometimes it does but I have to do this. i have to do this because somewhere inside of me a voice wants to be heard. I wants to be understood. And it wants out.

5 comment(s) to... “Retroflection”


RainforestRobin said...

Ah ha! You and I must be on the same wave length...OR...maybe the world is changing bit by bit and we all are learning to forgive ourselves. SEE my post and comments for "IT IS ESSENTIAL AT:

I so admire and respect your realizations as I know they can be hard to arrive at. Good for you. You are certainly on the right track. AND I encourage you with all my heart to love, forgive and be gentle with yourself. Always love and forgive yourself, even when others are unable to. Be a kind friend to yourself. I honor your honesty. RainforestRobin

Metz said...

Thank you rainforestrobin. You've definitely made my day. :)

Chelle said...

Very insightful - thanks for the drop - I really enjoyed your site!

Pollydot said...

Those are very deep reflective thoughts.

Metz said...

its the only place where i can bare my soul and feel freed :)

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